I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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