He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
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You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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