It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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