What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
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