first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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