I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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