Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
