how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
