god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Sober January is a disaster.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
