No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
