I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Randomize
