I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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