also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
