She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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