Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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