Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
