Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
