I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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