We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize