OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
