Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
