Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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