I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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