her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
