I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
