I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
