she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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