Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
