I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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