Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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