i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
