I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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