The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
