There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
