Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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