I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she looked like the before picture.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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