i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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