dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
