I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
