i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
