It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
