I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
