Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
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just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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