It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
