Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
