I accidentally burped into my bong.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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