i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
