we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
