dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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