You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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