i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
