I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
