Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
