and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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