I am puke
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
