Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
