Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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