my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
